50 Shades Greyer

Here is a review of 50 Shades Darker/Dumber written by the one and only Leonard, Shanny's cat.. Beware, spoiler alert. I'll be letting the cat out of the bag, haha. If only they'd let me do stand up. This review is as ridiculous as the book. Here is a picture of me as I delve into what chicks all over are claiming to be the best. book. ever.

I'm so hot. Resemblance of Christian Grey? I think so.

This is me after beginning 50 Shades Greyer/Darker. If you can't keep a cat interested, how you gon' keep the ladies around E.L. James?

So this the second book, the runner up, numero dos. However, I did feel it was the better of the two. I will not be reading the third; I've become too cynical. Who is every going to listen to a hardened, sarcastic cat? I get my butt whooped all the time as it is. Rural Wisconsin neighborhoods are rough.

This crap begins with Ana and Christian reuniting, thank the heavenly Feline. I have separation anxiety, so I was a bit scared that this true love thing was a hoax. No worries. I was wrong. 

The plot thickens quite a bit in this book. There are a number of hoops for Ana&Christian to jump through (AnaChrist, you know, like Bennifer, I saw it in People magazine while jumping on the coffee table. I don't know why Shanny doesn't subscribe to Cat Fancy. It's the best). Back to the hoops. AnaChrist has to dodge a crazy ex-sub Leila with her concealed weapons permit, her attempted suicide, and her love for Christian. A love so strong she may even harm our dear Ana. In addition to Leila, there is Mrs. Robinson who is always popping up--Christian's ex and first lover. Also, Ana's crazy boss. I wonder why everyone wants to rape/harm this girl???? It must be her sexy CATwalk.

Now, I may just be used to my owner, Shanny, who is always yelling, doing push ups, lifting weights, and wearing Birkenstocks (she really is the cat's meow), but I feel like Ana is a bit of a puss (no offense female kitties). She's very insecure and quite immature. I'll be three this August. I know maturity. My whiskers are beginning to thicken and my mew is quite deep. However, Ana in her shaky, hesitant stature somehow manages to kick some butt in this book. Really E.L. James? Really? I don't buy it. I'd take her down and I don't even have claws.

Another one of Ana's excellent characteristics is her constantly questioning and talking to the reader. I'm a fricken cat. I can't give advice and stop it with the inquisition. She must have never heard that curiosity killed the cat.

Now, my question is: why does she want to be with Christian? He seems quite mean. I can understand a bit since Shanny is always yelling at me to get off the table, stop crying, stay outside, come home, eat, drink water, stop shedding, etc. I love her so much-- what a beauty. But, she also pets me, hugs me (gives me my lovins), carries me around, cooks with me, and gives me a hat for my birthday every year. Oh. my.God. Shanny IS Christian Grey. She does resemble this man quite a bit: a powerful job (teacher), rich (teacher), beautiful, stunning, controlling, and most of all, her big muscles. Wow, I'm speechless at this realization. Looks like cat's cut my tongue. Or, I...cut...my..tongue?? Idioms confuse me.

Never mind, I renege on my question. I completely understand why they're together. She loves him and he protects her.... hold on. I can smell the sweet treat of Fancy Feast.

I'm back and full, yum. Salmon dinner flavor. The gel is the best part. So yea, Ana and Christian. There is also a pregnancy scare, which I could never understand. In the cat world, there are no scares, just hopes of a big litter.

But, the once again, that plot: Christian goes missing in a helicopter. Man I wish I could fly. How great. Hell, I wish I could walk on two legs like Shanny. Anyway, of course I'm not worried, because if he died, there wouldn't be a third book. Unless, it's about how Ana becomes a crazy cat lady, like Shanny. Then, that would be fantastic. I would definitely read that. But, 50 Shades Darker/Greyer/Dumber is as far as I will go. I plan to use this book if my litter box gets too full. 

My last few comments/questions are about the sex theme? Doesn't it seem a bit...what's the word...redundant? Plus, I'm not sure the point of it if there isn't going to be a litter. Although, I guess not everyone in the neighborhood wants a bunch of feral cats peeing on their azaleas. 

And finally the last few pieces of drama involve Mrs. Robinson. I'm not sure why she is suddenly so involved, but her blonde hair is always purrfect. How nice. And the last, tree-limb dangler, a man sits watching the engagement party and is ready to attack. We assume it's that publisher guy. I mean, come on meow. Like a professional editor is going to throw away the rest of his life to purrrrsue and kill the Greys. I should have continued on with my catnap and never finished this book. I need to really wake up and smell the catnip; these books I have been reading are dog crap.
I hope you avoid it like a bath. Ridic.